I"m off facebook. for the longest time, I have known that I just love to write, and abuse fb sdomewhat, because of my writing. I am overly concerned with what people will think and it stifles my writing and my free flowing thoughts. and so i am done. i want to write. period. I think so much and feel  a lot about so many things that I need'nt worry anymore. so cool.


yay!

I was reading a friend's blog the other day... it's meant to house his sexual fantasies. He and I have entertained the idea of having an intimate realtionship and both times we discussed it, I decided to stop talking to him. It felt so empty to me, the thought of getting together to have "sex" and having him leave shortly after. ew. The thought almost makes me sick. Emptiness is something I worry about creating, again. I was in an emotionally vacant marriage for 10 years and am done with that madness. I want it all...everything but the kitchen sink. Right? I know there are people out there that totally get this. So..as I was reading his blog, I felt increasing frustration flare up inside me. It detailed this womans physique and the desire between her and her lover...yet I wanted to read about the laughter they shared over breakfast and the long talks they feel asleep to. I do want to have amazing sex but before, during, and after, I want closeness...companionship. I want someone that wants to talk to me...all the time. I want them to want to call me from work or the grocery store because they just have to for this or that reason. Silliness is so important to me. And so yeah... I don't want to read about sex. I want to read about a good love story...the kinda love story that I want to live, someday. I am at the library now... I think I'll ask the librarian for some suggestions. :)

I have stopped dating. Totally stopped. wow.. Just writing that and realizing I am not bull-shitting myself feels REALLY good. I am still not as present as I hope to be, eventually, yet I am more present, especially with my children, than I have been in ages. I so genuinely love being with them...hanging out with them. It used to be in the back of my mind that I was stoked that they were so cool...such interesting, complex, amazing individuals.. and I was totally aware that I wasn't engaged to the capacity that I should be, considering how totally cool they are. There was always a little sadness in me, in judgment of myself, for not really being with them mentally-emotionally, when with them. I was always hoping for a phone call or txt from someone...checking my phone every two seconds. They put up with so much... it's pretty disturbing and sad when I think of it. I am so much more "there" now. I love it...and the do, too. We are SO much closer and I genuinely love spending time with them. I am so blessed that these two are in my life. And I am picky about people. They are amazing.

okay.. I am at school and need to get ready for my next class. It's been good writing. :)